California Dreamin

Today I realized that it has been nearly a year since my last blog posting.. And in that time SOOO much has changed.. I mean nothing really for the better, just different.. The wife and I finally gave up.. We literally did.. Gave up everything we knew and loved, and moved from AZ to Southern California..

From the top, our first few weeks in Cali were brutal.. Every possible thing that could go wrong, did.. Hitting every lump and bump in the road possible.. But we made it through, hence me being here writing this post.. We made our way into some new company, both personal and business.. We met a group of awesome women who'd all been TTC as long or even longer than my wife and I have, and can gladly say that since then they have all gotten pregnant.. Of course, considering the wife and I have the pregnancy touch.. If an infertile or any woman for that matter wants to get pregnant all they need to do is be in our presence for half a second and they'll conceive that cycle, without fail.. But that is neither here nor there, back to the point.. We moved here in the hopes that we would be able to move forward with more extensive fertility treatments (i.e., IVF) with a world class awesome thoughtful and understanding Dr.. And the perks of being able to have both our names on the birth certificate and having 2nd parent adoption be options are amazing as well.. All these high hopes for just a place on the map..

We did do 6 cycles since being here in Cali, all resulting in the same negative outcome.. This brought a sense of realization to our moving here.. We are now trying to find our place.. We are now well aware that moving states was never going to define our journey for us.. It was never intended to make our journey any easier.. We'd just placed way to much weight on our being in a fresh new place.. This new place doesn't change the fact that the wife and I both are dealing with infertility, while still longing for children, and hopelessly trying to fight and scratch our way to have the means to continue towards our dream.. We can now say that we have spent upwards of $35k over the course of 4years on our hopes of trying to become parents.. And being here now would still need an additional almost $9k to continue forward to IVF treatments..

Being that we are both fighters and apparently stubborn, we are taking on the challenge.. I will be picking up my 3rd job this week (2 part-time and 1 full-time), and my wife her 2nd.. We are either glutton for punishment, can't admit defeat or both.. No matter were the road takes us, we are determined to have our dreams come to fruition.. Now more than ever..

I do know love....

I’m finding myself hurt by the tags/comments/pix that we’ve all seen.. You know, the ones that say something completely terrible like “You’ll never know love until you’ve loved your own child”.. To that I say “Screw, no, FUCK YOU”..

I know a love no one would ever understand, unless placed in our shoes..

The kind of love that leaves us susceptible to an unbearably painful hurt on a month in month out basis..

The kind of love where I have to feel a grief for child that was prayed for so hard that never came to be..

The kind of love that I sink my ALL into, every ounce of  free time, every possible cell of energy available in my body, and every dime we make just for the hope that one day..ONE DAY..we will be blessed with something that came so easily to so many others..

The kind of love for a wife who has held my hand through every medical procedure, every blood draw, every mood swing caused by fertility meds, every failed cycle, and every devastating ultrasound result..

I’m blessed to say I DO know love.. One that I know is stronger more in depth and unbreakable than what most will ever experience.. So for now I will continue to take solace in the blessings I have received, and file your comments away as sheer ignorance.. I pray for your sake, you never see any hurt that nears what we’ve endured.. And I can promise, I will never take for granted this dark before our dawn.. It has shaped enlightened and humbled us.. We don’t see any light yet, I'm faithful and know that I have experienced the purest love, there for the light will come..

Our give a damn is busted..

    It’s been 24months now since we 1^st decided it was time to start tracking cycles, looking at donors, researching fertility, etc.. And still no babies to report.. It seems that every time I want to be excited about anything, the wind is sucked out of my sails and my hearts broken..

    We’ve officially reached another impasse in this whole TTC process.. Being that in this time we’ve had people ask us about getting pregnant, get pregnant, and have their babies.. Yet, we are still here with very empty arms.. Peoples comments are becoming more and more insensitive and the intolerance for our inability to be “chipper” has become overwhelming..

    My words of wisdom to those who have apparently not the slightest bit of couth when it comes to dealing with us infertile folks…….  

·         Don’t ask us how we’re doing, it’s never “great” or even “good” for that matter.. You looking at us like we should be so happy just because we exist makes me want to slap you.. Just saying..

·         Don’t tell us something stupid like “Oh, well why not just take my kids for a while.. You’ll surely change your mind about wanting kids..” You come off as an ass..

·         Don’t say “Well if you can’t get pregnant I’d carry your baby, or donate eggs”.. Going there might seem like a polite or generous thing to say to someone like us, but just leads us to believe that you feel that we are inferior to your all mighty ability to lie on your back and produce a baby.. Shuddup..!!

·         Don’t mention adoption or IVF to us, unless in that same statement you’ll be offering us the $20-30k for that to happen.. Like we don’t know those are frickin options.. WTAF..!!

·         Don’t talk to us about going out and having a good time drinking, partying, and whatnot.. Like as if any of that is truly healthy or will take our minds off any of the horrible crap that has happened to us.. We obviously made a decision that it was time for kids because we were done with all of that.. Common sense would tell you we don’t think that shit is fun anymore..

·         Don’t tell us about someone else’s pregnancy or baby and expect our eyes to light up with joy and excitement.. WTF is wrong with you..??

·         Don’t tell us what so and so from your cousins, step-dads work did in order to get pregnant.. I’m sure if my Dr who specializes in fertility is stumped, whatever crap they did means nothing in my world.. And 2^nd, don’t assume just because we haven’t had a baby we don’t know what we’re doing.. My advice apparently works for everyone but us.. So I know what the fuck I’m doing.. TRUST..

      I’m tired of us being treated like my wife and I have something wrong with us.. The ones who’ve achieved pregnancy don’t want us around because we are a “bummer” in their prefect little lives.. The ones who aren’t in the ‘married with kids’ phase don’t want us around because either they feel they don’t know what to say, so would rather say nothing at all to us, or because we “don’t party like we used to”.. Well in all honesty, we’re not who we used to be.. And will never be those people again.. We’ve seen too much, been through too much, to ever be able to go back..

    We’re in limbo, and alone.. We know this.. I just never knew that it was at all possible to continue to feel so hopeless, yet daily life seems more and more bleak.. I feel blessed to have found the love of my life, but question why we would have this perfect life dangled in our faces.. With no way of actually achieving our picture of true happiness.. Life’s way beyond a bitch in my book..

    All and all, if you can’t be here with us and I mean truly with us in our darkest hours, then we don’t need nor want you around when we finally make it through to the light..

Crowdfunding

We’re the kind of lesbians that go both ways…

   It has come up quite a few times throughout our journey the assumption that I (the more visually feminine one in our relationship) am the only one who has been actively trying to conceive… I’d felt prior to our new found openness that it wasn’t my place to discuss my wife struggles with infertility… I’d just say “Well, we both plan to carry” and leave it at that… And even still when starting this blog and our donation site wasn’t sure if my wife was comfortable having the FULL story… She is a very private person and I respect that… She recently gave me the go ahead since we are being as open as we are being and  we  both think it’s time to put it all out there on the table…

                                                          So from the top, here goes……

   When my wife and I met she was 18 and I was 21.. We both knew we’d wanted to have kids, but it was definitely only a pleading thought back then.. About 1year into our relationship my then 19year old wife decided she had baby fever.. I didn’t think we were ready.. I thought then that it took tons of money to raise a child and that I wanted to be further along in my career.. It truly was I just wasn’t ready for so much responsibility.. I was happy in our little 1bdrm apartment close to all the clubs.. Yeah, I cared about that sort of thing back then..

     The years passed and my wife would often mention her urge to start to expand our family.. By this time the wife was about 22, it came up that my wife has quite a few issues with her inner workings.. She’d always had problems as long as she could remember having her period.. But it finally came to a head when she went to go see her Dr for her yearly, and the Dr was concerned by how much discomfort my wife was experiencing during the exam..  She was then referred to an OB for more in depth testing and they discovered a cluster of cysts on her ovary..  The 1^st OB she’d seen injected my wife with a Deprovera sort of shot to prevent her from having her period for a while, so no more cysts would form.. My wife wasn’t fully aware of the full side effects of the shot and allowed the 1^st of the shots to be administered..  This same OB then mentioned that maybe she should look into getting a hysterectomy in the sort of near future because the cysts were so severe.. We both were like WHOA, WAIT, WHAT.. That was her 1^st and last appointment with that OB.. Even with just the 1^st shot she ended up not getting a period for a good 3-4months, thank goodness she didn’t go back for the other one.. This whole experience opened my eyes that it was about time that we started having serious discussions about our future family plans.. It immediately put me mentally where she’d been for 3+years..

       We then started working towards our goals, saving money, taking trips, just doing all the things that you supposedly are no longer able to do once kids are in the picture.. We’d during our preparation/party time discussed our expectations.. That we wanted to use a sperm bank and would prefer to do at home inseminations.. We both wanted to carry and didn’t care if we carried at the same time.. We wanted to move out of our condo and into a house.. Then BAM, the wife’s severely painful cycles returned..

    We thought this would halt all of our plans, but instead it made us even more focused on the health of us both.. I’d started tracking both of our cycles at this point and learning about TTC, inseminations, etc.. This time she went to see a new OB, who was really cool.. She did an ultrasound and found that my wife not only had more cysts then previously (the others resolved themselves since she spent so many months not ovulating), but she appeared to have some other shadowing in there.. This could be polyps, endometriosis, or who knows.. She then set up the wife for immediate exploratory surgery, or a laparoscopy.. Within a week of her 1^st appointment with her new OB, she was being wheeled into a hospital room and put under..

    The surgery went well, though they did confirm that she has PCOS as well as a severe case of endometriosis.. During the surgery she removed a few cysts from her left ovary and was able to also scrape her uterus to remove some of the endo. scarring.. As we were leaving the hospital we got to talk to the OB again, she confirmed that it is known that pregnancy can actually help endometriosis.. If you are able to achieve pregnancy, that is.. Recovery was quick compared to other surgeries she’d had (my wife is like a Operation Game life size, forreal).. We knew then it was time to stop thinking about it and start trying.. Within a few weeks we found a house we loved AND finally picked a donor..

   Since we’d already been tracking our cycles we knew what had to happen when.. We decided since swimmers are so expensive to try one at a time.. I’ve already written an entry about the horribleness that was our 1^st cycles trying, so no need to get into all of that again.. After I miscarried I was a little bitter and broken and looked to my wife and decided it was her turn..

     The 1^st cycle she tried to our surprise she got a BFP.. We didn’t think it was possible considering all of the issues she had, but there it was.. Soon after however, she started cramping.. Those severe cramps that she knew where her period.. And sure enough, she miscarried.. Once both of our cycles returned to normal we continued to try with us both inseming, in hopes that one of us would be able to have a baby bean stick.. But no such luck, even still…

      I said before that we both felt it was time for us to put the FULL story out there.. Us putting our journey out there for everyone to see isn’t us asking for “ideas”.. We know we’ve done everything possible outside of IVF in order to conceive.. We’ve exhausted all efforts financially, emotionally, and mentally.. At this point we just need your love and support..

   *** If you would like to help us turn we into three by donating, please click the following link: http://www.gofundme.com/1crkr0 ***

Crowdfunding

The Next Chapter.. Though it was only the beginning..

   The night I pulled up to meet up with you for our 1st date, I never could have imagined that would have been my last 1st date.. But looking back, would never have wanted it any other way.. We didn't have this amazingly wonderful love story.. We had love, right out the gate.. A connection with each other which seemed other worldly to me then, and still does.. I tell her often she put the woman of my dreams to shame.. I really have always felt that I created her for me.. That my years of tears is what lead me to her..

  Never had I thought it would be possible to be able to open up to someone whole heartedly, without fear.. To feel loyalty and all the other things I'd longed so hard for.. The hell I'd been through all felt worth it, if going through all of that blessed me with her..

   I'm such a strong believer that there is broken road we travel to get to where we're meant to be.. I am thankful she texted me on the right night, Friday 04/28/2006.. I feel the stars alined that night so that we could enter each others worlds.. 

   Then on 06/06/2006 laying underneath her, what did she say to me.. As I looked into her eyes and tell her for the first time "I love you".. She tells me "I love you too, you're so F*@king perfect"..

   Words I'd never heard.. Sure I'd heard empty meaningless I love you's.. But you addressed me as perfect.. I promised you then that I would never forget.. And here it is close to 6years later and I haven't.. I can't.. I met my perfection, there's nowhere to go from there but UP....

Why I apologize....

 Karma, I'm sorry..
 To start off.. I'm getting what i deserve.. And i'm sorry for who i hurt in the process of me becoming this girl.. this woman.. that i am now.. so heartless and cold.. confused and alone.. Alright.. Lemi man up here.. i'ma break it down like this.. the way i was broken down..
 love 1: you had me.. all of me, first.. before the world even had a chance to shine any light on my life.. you could have molded me into YOUR perfection.. but instead you chose to have me and her and them and him.. and i didnt let it show then but it hurt.. you killed me.. parts i'll never have back.. you took my innocense.. you know "it's hard to turn a bad girl good but once you turn a good girl bad she's gone forever" and i am....... let the song cry.....

love 2: I HATE YOU....!!!!! and all that you are and never will be.. you're the worst thing to ever come into anyone's life.. your mom is right you're a curse and i would feel terrible for concieving such a child as well.. i wish that on that night at HAMBURGER MARY'S i would have not been entransed by that smile, your swagger, that boyish charm (but i do thank you for rubbing a lil bit of that off on me).. J was right, i should have ran the other direction that night @ that ASU party.. there where so many other woman there but i was so captivated by you're weak ass game.. you fooled me.. i'll admit.. you had me for that year.. and i can honestly say that i never felt love the way you radiated it my way.. you gave that false sense of companionship, trust, family, LOYALTY.. ha.. but phony.. and it took me time but i saw thru you and your games.. when i see you i will walk the other way and i will never love the way i once could..

 now bout those APOLOGIZES... to those girls that i did SO dirty just cause i had these issues of my own.. i put this on here so that you could see a lil of why i'm the shell that i am now.. there was one of you that tried hard and almost made her way into my hole of darkness but i ran and did you wrong... glad to see all is well with you.. you know who you are.. nothing really left to say but I"M SORRY to all that feel i've done wrong..
 Now this wasnt really meant to be commented on this is just me tryng to let it be known why i am the way that i am.. So many women wana know where all of this derived from well they say you only get three greats and i dont wanna blow it since i've already had my two..
 I wana be more then just a good g/f i wana be her PERFECTION.. and her mine.. i've had my dark and now i'm guna allow in the light... my sites ARE set high but thas only because i know that i'm ready now.. i know that she's out there..

(This was written 11/15/2005.. I didn't know then that I'd now be 6+yrs strong w/ the woman of my dreams)