California Dreamin

Today I realized that it has been nearly a year since my last blog posting.. And in that time SOOO much has changed.. I mean nothing really for the better, just different.. The wife and I finally gave up.. We literally did.. Gave up everything we knew and loved, and moved from AZ to Southern California..

From the top, our first few weeks in Cali were brutal.. Every possible thing that could go wrong, did.. Hitting every lump and bump in the road possible.. But we made it through, hence me being here writing this post.. We made our way into some new company, both personal and business.. We met a group of awesome women who'd all been TTC as long or even longer than my wife and I have, and can gladly say that since then they have all gotten pregnant.. Of course, considering the wife and I have the pregnancy touch.. If an infertile or any woman for that matter wants to get pregnant all they need to do is be in our presence for half a second and they'll conceive that cycle, without fail.. But that is neither here nor there, back to the point.. We moved here in the hopes that we would be able to move forward with more extensive fertility treatments (i.e., IVF) with a world class awesome thoughtful and understanding Dr.. And the perks of being able to have both our names on the birth certificate and having 2nd parent adoption be options are amazing as well.. All these high hopes for just a place on the map..

We did do 6 cycles since being here in Cali, all resulting in the same negative outcome.. This brought a sense of realization to our moving here.. We are now trying to find our place.. We are now well aware that moving states was never going to define our journey for us.. It was never intended to make our journey any easier.. We'd just placed way to much weight on our being in a fresh new place.. This new place doesn't change the fact that the wife and I both are dealing with infertility, while still longing for children, and hopelessly trying to fight and scratch our way to have the means to continue towards our dream.. We can now say that we have spent upwards of $35k over the course of 4years on our hopes of trying to become parents.. And being here now would still need an additional almost $9k to continue forward to IVF treatments..

Being that we are both fighters and apparently stubborn, we are taking on the challenge.. I will be picking up my 3rd job this week (2 part-time and 1 full-time), and my wife her 2nd.. We are either glutton for punishment, can't admit defeat or both.. No matter were the road takes us, we are determined to have our dreams come to fruition.. Now more than ever..

Why I apologize....

 Karma, I'm sorry..
 To start off.. I'm getting what i deserve.. And i'm sorry for who i hurt in the process of me becoming this girl.. this woman.. that i am now.. so heartless and cold.. confused and alone.. Alright.. Lemi man up here.. i'ma break it down like this.. the way i was broken down..
 love 1: you had me.. all of me, first.. before the world even had a chance to shine any light on my life.. you could have molded me into YOUR perfection.. but instead you chose to have me and her and them and him.. and i didnt let it show then but it hurt.. you killed me.. parts i'll never have back.. you took my innocense.. you know "it's hard to turn a bad girl good but once you turn a good girl bad she's gone forever" and i am....... let the song cry.....

love 2: I HATE YOU....!!!!! and all that you are and never will be.. you're the worst thing to ever come into anyone's life.. your mom is right you're a curse and i would feel terrible for concieving such a child as well.. i wish that on that night at HAMBURGER MARY'S i would have not been entransed by that smile, your swagger, that boyish charm (but i do thank you for rubbing a lil bit of that off on me).. J was right, i should have ran the other direction that night @ that ASU party.. there where so many other woman there but i was so captivated by you're weak ass game.. you fooled me.. i'll admit.. you had me for that year.. and i can honestly say that i never felt love the way you radiated it my way.. you gave that false sense of companionship, trust, family, LOYALTY.. ha.. but phony.. and it took me time but i saw thru you and your games.. when i see you i will walk the other way and i will never love the way i once could..

 now bout those APOLOGIZES... to those girls that i did SO dirty just cause i had these issues of my own.. i put this on here so that you could see a lil of why i'm the shell that i am now.. there was one of you that tried hard and almost made her way into my hole of darkness but i ran and did you wrong... glad to see all is well with you.. you know who you are.. nothing really left to say but I"M SORRY to all that feel i've done wrong..
 Now this wasnt really meant to be commented on this is just me tryng to let it be known why i am the way that i am.. So many women wana know where all of this derived from well they say you only get three greats and i dont wanna blow it since i've already had my two..
 I wana be more then just a good g/f i wana be her PERFECTION.. and her mine.. i've had my dark and now i'm guna allow in the light... my sites ARE set high but thas only because i know that i'm ready now.. i know that she's out there..

(This was written 11/15/2005.. I didn't know then that I'd now be 6+yrs strong w/ the woman of my dreams)