The difference a decade makes......

If someone would have told me 10years ago that I was dating the devil reincarnate, that she and I wouldn’t last, and in 10years time I would have found the love of my life and been married to my mirror..  I would have sworn them a liar.. I mean we were so great together, and we LOVED…. I can’ t even continue to talk about this one.. Lol.. I was just stupid..

If someone would have told me 10years ago that I would find wonderful friendships, build them strong, and then lose those friends.. That I would learn the meaning of “Only the good die young”.. I’m sure I wouldn’t have believed it, but only because I was so adamant that my small net of friends would have been the only group of friends I would ever have..

If someone would have told me 10years ago that there would ever have been a day that I would question my confidence, that I would ever not be 100% satisfied with my looks, that I would ever be disappointed in my appearance.. My cocky ass would have just laughed..

If someone would have told me 10years ago that I will become the accountant that I’d dreamed to become.. I wouldn’t have known how that could have been possible.. I mean I rocked hard in the street life, I figured that my Lawyer/Accountant dreams from HS were unobtainable..

If someone would have told me 10years ago that there would be a day that I would face a struggle harder than any I’d ever thought possible.. And be stuck in and constantly reminded of that struggle for years.. I would have figured that there was nothing that could possibly be more difficult than what I’d already experienced.. If only I understood then that Murphy’s Law is real..

 I’m coming close to my 29^th birthday, meaning closer to being 30 and the end of my 20’s.. Today in this moment I am not where I’d dreamed of being when I was a child and not where I’d thought I’d be 10years ago.. I am here and I know I am blessed.. May God grant me the serenity to accept the things in which I cannot change, the strength and courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.. Thinking of the me I was just 10 short years ago and the me I am now, I can see the difference a decade has made..

Trying so hard to remain faithful...

  Completely blank.. That is the best way to describe my feelings today at the start of today.. Sometime during last weekend my wife and I had a brief convo discussing the brand “Lost” that I used to rock hardcore a) when it was popular like 7/8yrs ago, b) when I always felt so lost.. I used to always feel so detached from everyone and everything until my wife found me.. It seemed during that time when I was “lost”, that no matter what I still felt full of faith that there was something better.. That things could and would get better.. During our convo about being lost, we continued to discuss how we would often speak to God and our angels.. How we both always felt a sense of, though we were lost, we never felt alone.. We never felt that our voices, our cries, our tears went unheard..  

    Fast forward to our current life’s struggles.. We went on to talk about how all things TTC have made our lives feel so empty.. That after so much effort, so many prayers, and so much sacrifice we are still left in this complacent state of uncertainties..  Where’s all the faith we once had in the workings of the world..?? I mean I once felt that anything was possible and all would work as it should, when it should.. I was always taught that God would never place more on you then you can bare.. Before, I didn’t understand how someone could lose their faith in their being an ultimate plan for them..

    I’ve now had reality check the hell out of me, and I’m still trying to catch my breath..  Just trying to remain focused and follow all of the things that were instilled our whole lives.. To know this is only a test but we HAVE to pass.. That the rewards will be great for all of this heartache.. But how do you deal in the meanwhile..??  At this point we are trying so hard to remain faithful..

   I just today saw a saying “In the end it will all be okay.. If it isn’t okay, then it isn’t the end.”, and to see this written, when I did, brought me right back to believing in the plan.. It may differ from the one I’d written for myself, but I feel again that after all is said and done it will be OKAY..

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Why I apologize....

 Karma, I'm sorry..
 To start off.. I'm getting what i deserve.. And i'm sorry for who i hurt in the process of me becoming this girl.. this woman.. that i am now.. so heartless and cold.. confused and alone.. Alright.. Lemi man up here.. i'ma break it down like this.. the way i was broken down..
 love 1: you had me.. all of me, first.. before the world even had a chance to shine any light on my life.. you could have molded me into YOUR perfection.. but instead you chose to have me and her and them and him.. and i didnt let it show then but it hurt.. you killed me.. parts i'll never have back.. you took my innocense.. you know "it's hard to turn a bad girl good but once you turn a good girl bad she's gone forever" and i am....... let the song cry.....

love 2: I HATE YOU....!!!!! and all that you are and never will be.. you're the worst thing to ever come into anyone's life.. your mom is right you're a curse and i would feel terrible for concieving such a child as well.. i wish that on that night at HAMBURGER MARY'S i would have not been entransed by that smile, your swagger, that boyish charm (but i do thank you for rubbing a lil bit of that off on me).. J was right, i should have ran the other direction that night @ that ASU party.. there where so many other woman there but i was so captivated by you're weak ass game.. you fooled me.. i'll admit.. you had me for that year.. and i can honestly say that i never felt love the way you radiated it my way.. you gave that false sense of companionship, trust, family, LOYALTY.. ha.. but phony.. and it took me time but i saw thru you and your games.. when i see you i will walk the other way and i will never love the way i once could..

 now bout those APOLOGIZES... to those girls that i did SO dirty just cause i had these issues of my own.. i put this on here so that you could see a lil of why i'm the shell that i am now.. there was one of you that tried hard and almost made her way into my hole of darkness but i ran and did you wrong... glad to see all is well with you.. you know who you are.. nothing really left to say but I"M SORRY to all that feel i've done wrong..
 Now this wasnt really meant to be commented on this is just me tryng to let it be known why i am the way that i am.. So many women wana know where all of this derived from well they say you only get three greats and i dont wanna blow it since i've already had my two..
 I wana be more then just a good g/f i wana be her PERFECTION.. and her mine.. i've had my dark and now i'm guna allow in the light... my sites ARE set high but thas only because i know that i'm ready now.. i know that she's out there..

(This was written 11/15/2005.. I didn't know then that I'd now be 6+yrs strong w/ the woman of my dreams)