I do know love....

I’m finding myself hurt by the tags/comments/pix that we’ve all seen.. You know, the ones that say something completely terrible like “You’ll never know love until you’ve loved your own child”.. To that I say “Screw, no, FUCK YOU”..

I know a love no one would ever understand, unless placed in our shoes..

The kind of love that leaves us susceptible to an unbearably painful hurt on a month in month out basis..

The kind of love where I have to feel a grief for child that was prayed for so hard that never came to be..

The kind of love that I sink my ALL into, every ounce of  free time, every possible cell of energy available in my body, and every dime we make just for the hope that one day..ONE DAY..we will be blessed with something that came so easily to so many others..

The kind of love for a wife who has held my hand through every medical procedure, every blood draw, every mood swing caused by fertility meds, every failed cycle, and every devastating ultrasound result..

I’m blessed to say I DO know love.. One that I know is stronger more in depth and unbreakable than what most will ever experience.. So for now I will continue to take solace in the blessings I have received, and file your comments away as sheer ignorance.. I pray for your sake, you never see any hurt that nears what we’ve endured.. And I can promise, I will never take for granted this dark before our dawn.. It has shaped enlightened and humbled us.. We don’t see any light yet, I'm faithful and know that I have experienced the purest love, there for the light will come..

Just asking for a little reassurance...

A guide for family and friends:

The author, Jody Earle

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you.

 I want you to understand. You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible is my pain. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to blow too little and say too much.

My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered, I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.

My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate future is impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees. Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life. You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too, I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger.

Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility. I need you to be a listener. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know you are available for me. It's difficult for me to expose my private thoughts if you are rushed or have a deadline for the end of our conversation. Please don't tell me of all the worse things that have happened to others or how easily someone else's infertility was solved. Every case is individual. Please don't just give advice; instead, guide me with your questions. Assure me that you respect my confidences, and then be certain that you deserve my trust. While listening, try to maintain an open mind. I need you to be supportive. Understand that my decisions aren't made casually. I've agonized over them. Remind me that you respect these decisions even if you disagree with them, because you know they are made carefully.
Don't ask me, "Are you sure?" Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal. I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.

I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it."

Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year."

Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you. I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations.

Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths.

Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt.

Don't tell me this is God's will.

Don't ask me to justify my need to parent.

Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options. I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie". My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope.

Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time. I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. I've been subjected to postcoital exams, semen collection in waiting room bathrooms, and tests in rooms next to labor rooms. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal.

Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength. Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment.

I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.

The difference a decade makes......

If someone would have told me 10years ago that I was dating the devil reincarnate, that she and I wouldn’t last, and in 10years time I would have found the love of my life and been married to my mirror..  I would have sworn them a liar.. I mean we were so great together, and we LOVED…. I can’ t even continue to talk about this one.. Lol.. I was just stupid..

If someone would have told me 10years ago that I would find wonderful friendships, build them strong, and then lose those friends.. That I would learn the meaning of “Only the good die young”.. I’m sure I wouldn’t have believed it, but only because I was so adamant that my small net of friends would have been the only group of friends I would ever have..

If someone would have told me 10years ago that there would ever have been a day that I would question my confidence, that I would ever not be 100% satisfied with my looks, that I would ever be disappointed in my appearance.. My cocky ass would have just laughed..

If someone would have told me 10years ago that I will become the accountant that I’d dreamed to become.. I wouldn’t have known how that could have been possible.. I mean I rocked hard in the street life, I figured that my Lawyer/Accountant dreams from HS were unobtainable..

If someone would have told me 10years ago that there would be a day that I would face a struggle harder than any I’d ever thought possible.. And be stuck in and constantly reminded of that struggle for years.. I would have figured that there was nothing that could possibly be more difficult than what I’d already experienced.. If only I understood then that Murphy’s Law is real..

 I’m coming close to my 29^th birthday, meaning closer to being 30 and the end of my 20’s.. Today in this moment I am not where I’d dreamed of being when I was a child and not where I’d thought I’d be 10years ago.. I am here and I know I am blessed.. May God grant me the serenity to accept the things in which I cannot change, the strength and courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.. Thinking of the me I was just 10 short years ago and the me I am now, I can see the difference a decade has made..

Our give a damn is busted..

    It’s been 24months now since we 1^st decided it was time to start tracking cycles, looking at donors, researching fertility, etc.. And still no babies to report.. It seems that every time I want to be excited about anything, the wind is sucked out of my sails and my hearts broken..

    We’ve officially reached another impasse in this whole TTC process.. Being that in this time we’ve had people ask us about getting pregnant, get pregnant, and have their babies.. Yet, we are still here with very empty arms.. Peoples comments are becoming more and more insensitive and the intolerance for our inability to be “chipper” has become overwhelming..

    My words of wisdom to those who have apparently not the slightest bit of couth when it comes to dealing with us infertile folks…….  

·         Don’t ask us how we’re doing, it’s never “great” or even “good” for that matter.. You looking at us like we should be so happy just because we exist makes me want to slap you.. Just saying..

·         Don’t tell us something stupid like “Oh, well why not just take my kids for a while.. You’ll surely change your mind about wanting kids..” You come off as an ass..

·         Don’t say “Well if you can’t get pregnant I’d carry your baby, or donate eggs”.. Going there might seem like a polite or generous thing to say to someone like us, but just leads us to believe that you feel that we are inferior to your all mighty ability to lie on your back and produce a baby.. Shuddup..!!

·         Don’t mention adoption or IVF to us, unless in that same statement you’ll be offering us the $20-30k for that to happen.. Like we don’t know those are frickin options.. WTAF..!!

·         Don’t talk to us about going out and having a good time drinking, partying, and whatnot.. Like as if any of that is truly healthy or will take our minds off any of the horrible crap that has happened to us.. We obviously made a decision that it was time for kids because we were done with all of that.. Common sense would tell you we don’t think that shit is fun anymore..

·         Don’t tell us about someone else’s pregnancy or baby and expect our eyes to light up with joy and excitement.. WTF is wrong with you..??

·         Don’t tell us what so and so from your cousins, step-dads work did in order to get pregnant.. I’m sure if my Dr who specializes in fertility is stumped, whatever crap they did means nothing in my world.. And 2^nd, don’t assume just because we haven’t had a baby we don’t know what we’re doing.. My advice apparently works for everyone but us.. So I know what the fuck I’m doing.. TRUST..

      I’m tired of us being treated like my wife and I have something wrong with us.. The ones who’ve achieved pregnancy don’t want us around because we are a “bummer” in their prefect little lives.. The ones who aren’t in the ‘married with kids’ phase don’t want us around because either they feel they don’t know what to say, so would rather say nothing at all to us, or because we “don’t party like we used to”.. Well in all honesty, we’re not who we used to be.. And will never be those people again.. We’ve seen too much, been through too much, to ever be able to go back..

    We’re in limbo, and alone.. We know this.. I just never knew that it was at all possible to continue to feel so hopeless, yet daily life seems more and more bleak.. I feel blessed to have found the love of my life, but question why we would have this perfect life dangled in our faces.. With no way of actually achieving our picture of true happiness.. Life’s way beyond a bitch in my book..

    All and all, if you can’t be here with us and I mean truly with us in our darkest hours, then we don’t need nor want you around when we finally make it through to the light..

Crowdfunding

Trying so hard to remain faithful...

  Completely blank.. That is the best way to describe my feelings today at the start of today.. Sometime during last weekend my wife and I had a brief convo discussing the brand “Lost” that I used to rock hardcore a) when it was popular like 7/8yrs ago, b) when I always felt so lost.. I used to always feel so detached from everyone and everything until my wife found me.. It seemed during that time when I was “lost”, that no matter what I still felt full of faith that there was something better.. That things could and would get better.. During our convo about being lost, we continued to discuss how we would often speak to God and our angels.. How we both always felt a sense of, though we were lost, we never felt alone.. We never felt that our voices, our cries, our tears went unheard..  

    Fast forward to our current life’s struggles.. We went on to talk about how all things TTC have made our lives feel so empty.. That after so much effort, so many prayers, and so much sacrifice we are still left in this complacent state of uncertainties..  Where’s all the faith we once had in the workings of the world..?? I mean I once felt that anything was possible and all would work as it should, when it should.. I was always taught that God would never place more on you then you can bare.. Before, I didn’t understand how someone could lose their faith in their being an ultimate plan for them..

    I’ve now had reality check the hell out of me, and I’m still trying to catch my breath..  Just trying to remain focused and follow all of the things that were instilled our whole lives.. To know this is only a test but we HAVE to pass.. That the rewards will be great for all of this heartache.. But how do you deal in the meanwhile..??  At this point we are trying so hard to remain faithful..

   I just today saw a saying “In the end it will all be okay.. If it isn’t okay, then it isn’t the end.”, and to see this written, when I did, brought me right back to believing in the plan.. It may differ from the one I’d written for myself, but I feel again that after all is said and done it will be OKAY..

Crowdfunding

Is this the aftermath of TTC failure….???

    After being engulfed in all things TTC for almost 2years, starting with preparing our minds and my body.. Then to prepare financially and rearrange our living situation on top of all the researching, it now appears that the fact that our lives just aren’t were we’d expected to be by now, is definitely taking its toll.. Both the wife and I are breaking down and infertility is the blame.. My wife tells me often she misses my smile.. The genuine one I used to radiate at everyone no matter what I was feeling.. I guess the optimism behind a high wattage smile I was once able to share with the world has been dimmed..

    The other night I had nightmares of watching multiple women get pregnant over and over again while I sat infertile, barren, childless.. I woke up and cried in my wife’s arms for a good 20mins.. So you’re saying I can’t escape the harsh realities we're living, not even in my dreams..?? That is definitely a scary thought.. This is bringing a list of questions to mind that seem to not have answers.. How do you move forward from here..?? How do I again enjoy being around friends/family..?? When if ever will I be able to see a baby or even children and not feel intense heartache..?? Why isn’t there just some button where I would be able to rewind the last 24months and un-know all that I know..??

     I don’t need coping mechanisms, tried them, they don’t work.. Not for this.. The feelings I have are different from any I’d ever thought where possible to feel.. I do well with coping with the loss of a loved one.. As odd as that may sound.. I have always had a “Everything happens for a reason” sort of outlook,  and felt that there has to continue to be death in order for there to be life.. That we have to let our loved ones go for this reason.. That grief was a selfish feeling since our loved one is no longer hurting, or stressed, or tired..    

    I now on an almost daily basis feel a sort of grief for a loved one I never met, a life I never experienced.. To me it makes no logical sense, yet I am unable to kick the seemingly uninterrupted depression that is felt nonstop.. Unable to kick the constant feelings that I am less than a woman.. That “God” must hate me.. I mean everything SUPPOSEDLY happens for a reason, right..?? “God” obviously feels that the crackhead on welfare who has now given birth to her 5^th child addicted to drugs and going home to an abusive, unstable, and toxic environment was more deserving of motherhood than my wife and I are, right.. As much as I don’t want to believe it’s affecting how I function, or made me different from who I once was, or dare I even say bitter, I know it has..

             Final question.. Will this get easier, ever..??


I guess I'm living through the aftermath of TTC failure..


   *** If you would like to donate, please click the following link: http://www.gofundme.com/1crkr0 ***

    Thanks so much for reading.. Knowing that our very emotional journey is finally out in the open actually brings much comfort..

So 1st came love, then came marriage, then came INFERTILITY..!!

      Luckily, we realized through our loss that the nonchalant manor that we'd been taking wasn't going to cut it.. That fertility was much more complex than we'd originally thought.. We knew for sure that we wanted to be mommies now more than anything.. Seeing the BFP only to have it fade away is definitely one of the hardest things we've ever been through.. We made the decision to start getting more aggressive medically, that's where things get REAL.....

Below are some of my journal entries from around that times, these are published on one of the many sites that I frequent regarding fertility :

My TTC Journal

Keep a journal of your trying to conceive journey

 

10/25 - Another Wacky Cycle This Month
Posted Oct. 25, 2011 8:50pm - Public - 34 views - 0 comments - Edit - Remove
This has been yet another month which my cycle has been extremely wacky and unpredictable.. This after almost a whole year of 31day cycles on record.. Then last months cycle a mere 28days w/ ovulation recorded smack in the middle (cd15 w/ no 'O' pains and a short LH surge).. I'm thinking that the shorter cycle last month was due to the chemical pregnancy from August..

Now this month, I'd had little to no CM so close to actual 'O' time.. Had watery CM around CD14 which I thought would be the big 'O' day.. Temp dropped, darkish OPK line, even had 'O' pains on both sides (which I'd attributed to the Soy Iso taken for the 1st month), but oddly no 'O'.. I even had a progressively darker and darker OPK line leading up to cd14 then nothing after CD14, for 2 days.. All of a suddenly, BAM, on CD17 an undeniably +OPK.. Didn't think it could be since I'd figured I'd already gotten my + but because I was using the First Response OPK this month, that I'd just not interpreted the not SO dark darker line correctly (admitting to the possibility of user error)..

So here I am now sitting at CD18,  hoping that of the 2 insems 1 good swimmer survived the storm and found my egg(s).. I'm still not sure that today is my definite 'O', as I'm not quite sure of anything with my cycle now.. But here's to blind faith and wishful thinking.. We want this so bad that it's hard for me to even breathe anything else at this point.. Oh, and the constant 'Are you pregnant yet?' are really no help.. Please let this super rollercoaster cycle be our ticket to our dream..

11/11/11 - Luteal Phase Defect she says....
Posted Nov. 11, 2011 12:44pm - Public - 37 views - 0 comments - Edit - Remove
After telling my Dr. for a good 3months that I felt I had a short luteal phase AND experiencing the horrible and harsh reality of a Chemical Pregnancy, I'd called in to set up another appointment . On this call I had the nurse ask me a series of new questions which I'd never been asked.. I did the bloodwork and cultures of a preconception exam and passed with flying colors.. Or so they'd said.. Lol.. Here she is now asking me questions regarding lactation and specifically about the length of each cycle since my confirmed chemical..

*Just a side note * I really think I experienced another CP this past cycle as we saw another faint BFP at 10dpo which faded and 3days later I was greeted by dreaded AF.. * Back to my story*

She then starts to tell me a few things that I kind of already figured and she throws out the term Luteal Phase Defect.. She expresses to me that she thinks that it would be a good idea for me to have a monitored cycle in order to rule out any major fertility issues.. She did let me know that if I am as sure about my cycle and charting as I sound then she really thinks it is just a Luteal Phase issue and nothing related to the Follicular Phase of my cycles.. Which is a good good thing..

Now.. My Dr is a really awesome guy, but he ia also a really 'lets just see what happens' kind of Dr.. And we all know that with TTC'ing that is just not something you ever want to hear.. You just want your BFP like last month and thats that.. I'm going in on my cd10 in order to have a ultrasound to ensure my follicles and lining are looking good and on time.. I will be requesting that I be prescribed Progesterone suppositories as well, since I have a REALLY strong feeling that a lack of progesterone is whats keeping me from having my sticky baby..

I've been doing ALOT of researching since the nurse mentioned LPD to me.. I did really want to keep things as natural as they possibly can be considering I am a lesbian and using cryogenically frozen donor sperm.. Lol.. So I started supplementing with B6 daily and again using the Soy Iso cd's 2-6 this month.. The Soy Iso did cause me to ovulate 2 whole days earlier than usual last cycle, I unfortunately also had a shorter cycle, so it didn't lengthen my luteal phase that go around.. I know that it could be so crucial to me to make sure I 'O' no later than cd17 this month which would have me potentionally end up with a longer luteal phase..

Who would of thunk that TTC would be such a course in chemistry and statistics for me.. I feel like 'Hey, umm.. I don't think I signed up for this class'.. But I'm willing to stick it out and do what I gota to expand our family.. Now on to the Dr. appointment and what that may hold.. FMFX'd that the vitamins work all my funky issues, and that I will never have to see another BFP fade away..

May our Leo be in the stars this month.. Can't wait to meet you our little dream baby..

11/15/11 - The Night Before....
Posted Nov. 15, 2011 8:35pm - Public - 42 views - 0 comments - Edit - Remove
I'm excitedly nervous about my appointment tomorrow.. I can't shake the feeling of "This is it" that keeps coming over me.. I really don't feel I have ever wanted anything more in my life.. I'd say except my wife, but that seemed it was a different kind of want.. I'm ready to hit the showers, calm my nerves, and hop into bed.. I just want tomorrow to come and to get this appointment done and over with.. I want to know my next step.. I want to be PREGNANT and have a H&H9.. So this is it, and I'm ready to take it all on to get what I so desperately want..

11/16/11 - That Was Easy...
Posted Nov. 16, 2011 9:35pm - Public - 58 views - 1 comment - Edit - Remove
The Dr's appointment was nowhere near as painful as I'd thought it would be.. Turns out there are 15 follie's total growing.. 4 Left - 11 Right.. Lining is right in line for this time of my cycle.. Donor shipment is set up and ready to go for next week.. Now just hoping that the rest of this cycle can be as easy.. The Dr did mention the dreaded word I've been trying to avoid since I started this journey "CLOMID".. I know that I really have to do what is best for my body and what would help me get that sticky BFP NOW..!! The Dr says that because of the length of my LP that if come the end of this month I'm not PG that we may need to move on to a more medically assisted approach to things.. I do also have a bit more testing for this month.. I'll be testing @ 7dpo for my progesterone levels.. Which I'm very sure will be low since I've been tracking things so many months.. But now I'm feeling more like I'm so ready to do this, so bring it on..
12/23/2011 - Halfway Through My Fertility Cleanse
Posted Dec. 23, 2011 9:46pm - Public - 57 views - 0 comments - Edit - Remove
It's been a while since adding an entry to my journal and since then A LOTS happened.. I got my 7dpo progesterone results back.. They where merely 5.9.. Now according to my RE anything less than a 4 would be an annovulatory cycle, so a 5.9 means that I barely even ovulated.. Ideally he would like to see a 10 or higher.. I do attribute this partially to my Soy Iso being taken cd's 2-6 last month, my mistake.. But even still a level that low is just no good.. So my RE did prescribe both Clomid (probably will not be taking that, I'm still wanting to get and stay pregnant naturally) and Crinone Gel..

This month we've decided that we would take a break from the TTC thing.. Besides, I'd be ovulating in the next couple days say I had taken the SI's cd 3-7 and well, no bueno with the holidays upon us.. we also felt that both our minds and bodies needed a break and boost.. On to the part about the Fertility Cleanse..

This month I decided that I would do all I can to try and help relax, as well as boost my chances at a sticky BFP next month.. I'm now halfway through the cleanse and it really has made quite the difference with my hormones, and this has been seen in my temps.. They have been the most consistent they've been in many months.. I've also added acupuncture to my routine and can feel an over all difference.. I am still having this cycle monitored even though we're taking the month off, and my RE brought to my attention at my last ultrasound that my uterus and lining look "outstanding" (his word, not mine).. Lol.. So having a awesome response so far to all things natural.. Lets see how Phase 3 of this cleanse treats me..



  The entries stop in December because, well I was just really tired at that point.. It had only been 6months and so much was different.. We where different from when we'd started the journey..

   In the 8months that followed we tried "naturally" ATTC a few more cycles.. I say "naturally" because I was taking different vitamins, herbal teas, doing acupuncture, using OPK's, and tracking my BBT.. Though we I wasn't taking any intense western medicine fertility drugs, having to do all of the things I mentioned daily is far from the "I didn't even know when I ovulated, I just guessed, insemed and now I'm pregnant", that I'd heard about.. 

  I finally broke down and tried Clomid, over responded to it and experienced a mild case of OHSS.. On top of that in that same cycle the Clomid caused a cyst which went to just over half an inch.. When you're talking about a cyst the size of a pea hanging off of a organ the size of a grape, makes it quite a big deal.. Dealt with that for a couple months on both ends doing both acupuncture and meditation as well as working with my FACOG to help with the physical pain and depression I was then experiencing......

     In the midst of all of the TTC going on I had the bright idea of starting a TTC GLBT group.. Ultimately, I am now the only one from that group who is NOT pregnant.. I'm also the least contacted out of the group.. Guess there is no room for the infertile in a baby play group..

      Lastly, about 3cycles ago I went in for my overdue yearly womans exam w/ the same FACOG I'd been working with most of our entire TTC journey.. He then asked "Are you even still trying..??" when I answered "Yes..??", he mentioned "It seems you have unexplained infertility and it's time I refer you on to a RE for IVF consultation"... Again, devastated.. The infertility treatments with monitoring that my insurance wasn't covering for the last year+ had tapped us out financially.. Here we are now, confirmed infertile, baby-less, and broke.. I want to have the faith I had at the beginning of all of this, but this is much more trying than I thought was possible to handle for one couple.. I love my wife and though we are not sure if IVF will ever happen for us, at least we have each other.. We'll continue to live, that's all I'm ever able to say these days..

A loss is a loss.. Period..

  We made it through the 1st cycle trying.. We saw a BFN, cried a little, but I'd heard of it taking a couple tries.. But I definitely didn't think at that time it would be anymore than 2 cycle, tops.. The time of innocence  if I only I could be there again..

   We pushed steams ahead into cycle #2.. Still gung-ho on things being as natural as possible.. I mean I did everything right.. My pre-conception exam came back all gravy, I was pin pointing ovulation both coming and going, and I was taking prenatals.. I mean what else do you need outside of that..?? Lol.. Right..

    My August 2011 cycle we again insemed after our positive OPK, waited the recommended 2weeks, but this time "wham" BFP (big fat positive).. We where literally over the moon, and I mean it seemed like literally not figuratively.. We started making so many plans and talking about the hope of it being more than one, then discussing the 3 names we were going to need for the triplets.. I call to make an appointment with my new doc, but he couldn't see me for a couple days.. I wasn't worried though because I mean it happened 2nd try, we where golden.. We went in for out beta, only to find out that the numbers weren't good.. It was a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage.... 

     Now, I realize I wasn't far along. and we hadn't even seen a heartbeat.. But we were already so vested in the fact that we would have a baby to take home, well have at home, in 9 months..  We were devastated to say the least.. Then to have it dismissed by even my closest friends because I wasn't as far along as they would have liked me to be hurt.. In our eyes " A loss is a loss".. I realized then that my wife and I were embarking on a journey that none of the people in our immediate circle could understand.... 

The natural order of things....

      With the natural order of things and the progression of life of course babies became our hearts desire.. In January of 2011, after 5+ steady years together we decided it was time to follow the nursery rhyme to the finish.. We planned us moving into our 1st house together.. And after our move in April 2011 I started reading every pregnancy book I could get my hands on, tracking my cycles, joining TTC groups online, met with and interviewed potential Midwives, and even started to look into the process of obtaining donor sperm from a bank..

        In May 2011 we started with the preconception exams and testing.. We just knew that when we did in fact finally try it was going to be a sure shot since everything came back with flying colors.. I mean its so easy to become pregnant, right.. I mean even the 15year old HS drop out can do it without a hitch.. Our 1st  ATTC cycle was planned to start end of June 2011, and we had everything set up and ready to go.. Or so we thought.. Come my final visit with my OB after getting my test results back.. After discussing in depth with her that we needed her consent  in writing to receive the "swimmers" to our house.. She ended up refusing to sign any of the documentation.. Go figure.. So that 1st cycle was a bust.. *Guess I should have known then that our thought of easy success was just a pipe dream* 

       We researched and contacted sooooo many Dr's in our area.. Some of which refused to see a woman who wasn't married TO A MAN, and expressed this fully over the phone.. Some of which who said they would be willing to assist, but since I was a lesbian they wanted all kinds of extra tests on top of the laundry list I'd already had done.. Mind you fertility testing isn't covered by insurance where we are, and we'd already come out of pocket quite a bit with my orginal OB.. This again was just their way of saying they wanted nothing to do with lesbians trying to conceive..  

        Then FINALLY in July 2011, just before my new cycle was to start, I got a call back from a very knowledgable and helpful office.. They where more than happy to see my wife and I, sign off any consent forms needed by the bank, and accept the labs already done from my original OB with no further questions asked.....

       The 1st ATTC cycle is such a roller coaster of emotions.. We went from being overwhelmed to anxious and back all in the same conversations it seemed.. Ultimately after all of the work that went into just getting to be able to try, it resulted in a BFN (which is a big fat negative for any of the non-TTC'ers).....  

The Next Chapter.. Though it was only the beginning..

   The night I pulled up to meet up with you for our 1st date, I never could have imagined that would have been my last 1st date.. But looking back, would never have wanted it any other way.. We didn't have this amazingly wonderful love story.. We had love, right out the gate.. A connection with each other which seemed other worldly to me then, and still does.. I tell her often she put the woman of my dreams to shame.. I really have always felt that I created her for me.. That my years of tears is what lead me to her..

  Never had I thought it would be possible to be able to open up to someone whole heartedly, without fear.. To feel loyalty and all the other things I'd longed so hard for.. The hell I'd been through all felt worth it, if going through all of that blessed me with her..

   I'm such a strong believer that there is broken road we travel to get to where we're meant to be.. I am thankful she texted me on the right night, Friday 04/28/2006.. I feel the stars alined that night so that we could enter each others worlds.. 

   Then on 06/06/2006 laying underneath her, what did she say to me.. As I looked into her eyes and tell her for the first time "I love you".. She tells me "I love you too, you're so F*@king perfect"..

   Words I'd never heard.. Sure I'd heard empty meaningless I love you's.. But you addressed me as perfect.. I promised you then that I would never forget.. And here it is close to 6years later and I haven't.. I can't.. I met my perfection, there's nowhere to go from there but UP....