I do know love....

I’m finding myself hurt by the tags/comments/pix that we’ve all seen.. You know, the ones that say something completely terrible like “You’ll never know love until you’ve loved your own child”.. To that I say “Screw, no, FUCK YOU”..

I know a love no one would ever understand, unless placed in our shoes..

The kind of love that leaves us susceptible to an unbearably painful hurt on a month in month out basis..

The kind of love where I have to feel a grief for child that was prayed for so hard that never came to be..

The kind of love that I sink my ALL into, every ounce of  free time, every possible cell of energy available in my body, and every dime we make just for the hope that one day..ONE DAY..we will be blessed with something that came so easily to so many others..

The kind of love for a wife who has held my hand through every medical procedure, every blood draw, every mood swing caused by fertility meds, every failed cycle, and every devastating ultrasound result..

I’m blessed to say I DO know love.. One that I know is stronger more in depth and unbreakable than what most will ever experience.. So for now I will continue to take solace in the blessings I have received, and file your comments away as sheer ignorance.. I pray for your sake, you never see any hurt that nears what we’ve endured.. And I can promise, I will never take for granted this dark before our dawn.. It has shaped enlightened and humbled us.. We don’t see any light yet, I'm faithful and know that I have experienced the purest love, there for the light will come..

Our give a damn is busted..

    It’s been 24months now since we 1^st decided it was time to start tracking cycles, looking at donors, researching fertility, etc.. And still no babies to report.. It seems that every time I want to be excited about anything, the wind is sucked out of my sails and my hearts broken..

    We’ve officially reached another impasse in this whole TTC process.. Being that in this time we’ve had people ask us about getting pregnant, get pregnant, and have their babies.. Yet, we are still here with very empty arms.. Peoples comments are becoming more and more insensitive and the intolerance for our inability to be “chipper” has become overwhelming..

    My words of wisdom to those who have apparently not the slightest bit of couth when it comes to dealing with us infertile folks…….  

·         Don’t ask us how we’re doing, it’s never “great” or even “good” for that matter.. You looking at us like we should be so happy just because we exist makes me want to slap you.. Just saying..

·         Don’t tell us something stupid like “Oh, well why not just take my kids for a while.. You’ll surely change your mind about wanting kids..” You come off as an ass..

·         Don’t say “Well if you can’t get pregnant I’d carry your baby, or donate eggs”.. Going there might seem like a polite or generous thing to say to someone like us, but just leads us to believe that you feel that we are inferior to your all mighty ability to lie on your back and produce a baby.. Shuddup..!!

·         Don’t mention adoption or IVF to us, unless in that same statement you’ll be offering us the $20-30k for that to happen.. Like we don’t know those are frickin options.. WTAF..!!

·         Don’t talk to us about going out and having a good time drinking, partying, and whatnot.. Like as if any of that is truly healthy or will take our minds off any of the horrible crap that has happened to us.. We obviously made a decision that it was time for kids because we were done with all of that.. Common sense would tell you we don’t think that shit is fun anymore..

·         Don’t tell us about someone else’s pregnancy or baby and expect our eyes to light up with joy and excitement.. WTF is wrong with you..??

·         Don’t tell us what so and so from your cousins, step-dads work did in order to get pregnant.. I’m sure if my Dr who specializes in fertility is stumped, whatever crap they did means nothing in my world.. And 2^nd, don’t assume just because we haven’t had a baby we don’t know what we’re doing.. My advice apparently works for everyone but us.. So I know what the fuck I’m doing.. TRUST..

      I’m tired of us being treated like my wife and I have something wrong with us.. The ones who’ve achieved pregnancy don’t want us around because we are a “bummer” in their prefect little lives.. The ones who aren’t in the ‘married with kids’ phase don’t want us around because either they feel they don’t know what to say, so would rather say nothing at all to us, or because we “don’t party like we used to”.. Well in all honesty, we’re not who we used to be.. And will never be those people again.. We’ve seen too much, been through too much, to ever be able to go back..

    We’re in limbo, and alone.. We know this.. I just never knew that it was at all possible to continue to feel so hopeless, yet daily life seems more and more bleak.. I feel blessed to have found the love of my life, but question why we would have this perfect life dangled in our faces.. With no way of actually achieving our picture of true happiness.. Life’s way beyond a bitch in my book..

    All and all, if you can’t be here with us and I mean truly with us in our darkest hours, then we don’t need nor want you around when we finally make it through to the light..

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Trying so hard to remain faithful...

  Completely blank.. That is the best way to describe my feelings today at the start of today.. Sometime during last weekend my wife and I had a brief convo discussing the brand “Lost” that I used to rock hardcore a) when it was popular like 7/8yrs ago, b) when I always felt so lost.. I used to always feel so detached from everyone and everything until my wife found me.. It seemed during that time when I was “lost”, that no matter what I still felt full of faith that there was something better.. That things could and would get better.. During our convo about being lost, we continued to discuss how we would often speak to God and our angels.. How we both always felt a sense of, though we were lost, we never felt alone.. We never felt that our voices, our cries, our tears went unheard..  

    Fast forward to our current life’s struggles.. We went on to talk about how all things TTC have made our lives feel so empty.. That after so much effort, so many prayers, and so much sacrifice we are still left in this complacent state of uncertainties..  Where’s all the faith we once had in the workings of the world..?? I mean I once felt that anything was possible and all would work as it should, when it should.. I was always taught that God would never place more on you then you can bare.. Before, I didn’t understand how someone could lose their faith in their being an ultimate plan for them..

    I’ve now had reality check the hell out of me, and I’m still trying to catch my breath..  Just trying to remain focused and follow all of the things that were instilled our whole lives.. To know this is only a test but we HAVE to pass.. That the rewards will be great for all of this heartache.. But how do you deal in the meanwhile..??  At this point we are trying so hard to remain faithful..

   I just today saw a saying “In the end it will all be okay.. If it isn’t okay, then it isn’t the end.”, and to see this written, when I did, brought me right back to believing in the plan.. It may differ from the one I’d written for myself, but I feel again that after all is said and done it will be OKAY..

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We’re the kind of lesbians that go both ways…

   It has come up quite a few times throughout our journey the assumption that I (the more visually feminine one in our relationship) am the only one who has been actively trying to conceive… I’d felt prior to our new found openness that it wasn’t my place to discuss my wife struggles with infertility… I’d just say “Well, we both plan to carry” and leave it at that… And even still when starting this blog and our donation site wasn’t sure if my wife was comfortable having the FULL story… She is a very private person and I respect that… She recently gave me the go ahead since we are being as open as we are being and  we  both think it’s time to put it all out there on the table…

                                                          So from the top, here goes……

   When my wife and I met she was 18 and I was 21.. We both knew we’d wanted to have kids, but it was definitely only a pleading thought back then.. About 1year into our relationship my then 19year old wife decided she had baby fever.. I didn’t think we were ready.. I thought then that it took tons of money to raise a child and that I wanted to be further along in my career.. It truly was I just wasn’t ready for so much responsibility.. I was happy in our little 1bdrm apartment close to all the clubs.. Yeah, I cared about that sort of thing back then..

     The years passed and my wife would often mention her urge to start to expand our family.. By this time the wife was about 22, it came up that my wife has quite a few issues with her inner workings.. She’d always had problems as long as she could remember having her period.. But it finally came to a head when she went to go see her Dr for her yearly, and the Dr was concerned by how much discomfort my wife was experiencing during the exam..  She was then referred to an OB for more in depth testing and they discovered a cluster of cysts on her ovary..  The 1^st OB she’d seen injected my wife with a Deprovera sort of shot to prevent her from having her period for a while, so no more cysts would form.. My wife wasn’t fully aware of the full side effects of the shot and allowed the 1^st of the shots to be administered..  This same OB then mentioned that maybe she should look into getting a hysterectomy in the sort of near future because the cysts were so severe.. We both were like WHOA, WAIT, WHAT.. That was her 1^st and last appointment with that OB.. Even with just the 1^st shot she ended up not getting a period for a good 3-4months, thank goodness she didn’t go back for the other one.. This whole experience opened my eyes that it was about time that we started having serious discussions about our future family plans.. It immediately put me mentally where she’d been for 3+years..

       We then started working towards our goals, saving money, taking trips, just doing all the things that you supposedly are no longer able to do once kids are in the picture.. We’d during our preparation/party time discussed our expectations.. That we wanted to use a sperm bank and would prefer to do at home inseminations.. We both wanted to carry and didn’t care if we carried at the same time.. We wanted to move out of our condo and into a house.. Then BAM, the wife’s severely painful cycles returned..

    We thought this would halt all of our plans, but instead it made us even more focused on the health of us both.. I’d started tracking both of our cycles at this point and learning about TTC, inseminations, etc.. This time she went to see a new OB, who was really cool.. She did an ultrasound and found that my wife not only had more cysts then previously (the others resolved themselves since she spent so many months not ovulating), but she appeared to have some other shadowing in there.. This could be polyps, endometriosis, or who knows.. She then set up the wife for immediate exploratory surgery, or a laparoscopy.. Within a week of her 1^st appointment with her new OB, she was being wheeled into a hospital room and put under..

    The surgery went well, though they did confirm that she has PCOS as well as a severe case of endometriosis.. During the surgery she removed a few cysts from her left ovary and was able to also scrape her uterus to remove some of the endo. scarring.. As we were leaving the hospital we got to talk to the OB again, she confirmed that it is known that pregnancy can actually help endometriosis.. If you are able to achieve pregnancy, that is.. Recovery was quick compared to other surgeries she’d had (my wife is like a Operation Game life size, forreal).. We knew then it was time to stop thinking about it and start trying.. Within a few weeks we found a house we loved AND finally picked a donor..

   Since we’d already been tracking our cycles we knew what had to happen when.. We decided since swimmers are so expensive to try one at a time.. I’ve already written an entry about the horribleness that was our 1^st cycles trying, so no need to get into all of that again.. After I miscarried I was a little bitter and broken and looked to my wife and decided it was her turn..

     The 1^st cycle she tried to our surprise she got a BFP.. We didn’t think it was possible considering all of the issues she had, but there it was.. Soon after however, she started cramping.. Those severe cramps that she knew where her period.. And sure enough, she miscarried.. Once both of our cycles returned to normal we continued to try with us both inseming, in hopes that one of us would be able to have a baby bean stick.. But no such luck, even still…

      I said before that we both felt it was time for us to put the FULL story out there.. Us putting our journey out there for everyone to see isn’t us asking for “ideas”.. We know we’ve done everything possible outside of IVF in order to conceive.. We’ve exhausted all efforts financially, emotionally, and mentally.. At this point we just need your love and support..

   *** If you would like to help us turn we into three by donating, please click the following link: http://www.gofundme.com/1crkr0 ***

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The Next Chapter.. Though it was only the beginning..

   The night I pulled up to meet up with you for our 1st date, I never could have imagined that would have been my last 1st date.. But looking back, would never have wanted it any other way.. We didn't have this amazingly wonderful love story.. We had love, right out the gate.. A connection with each other which seemed other worldly to me then, and still does.. I tell her often she put the woman of my dreams to shame.. I really have always felt that I created her for me.. That my years of tears is what lead me to her..

  Never had I thought it would be possible to be able to open up to someone whole heartedly, without fear.. To feel loyalty and all the other things I'd longed so hard for.. The hell I'd been through all felt worth it, if going through all of that blessed me with her..

   I'm such a strong believer that there is broken road we travel to get to where we're meant to be.. I am thankful she texted me on the right night, Friday 04/28/2006.. I feel the stars alined that night so that we could enter each others worlds.. 

   Then on 06/06/2006 laying underneath her, what did she say to me.. As I looked into her eyes and tell her for the first time "I love you".. She tells me "I love you too, you're so F*@king perfect"..

   Words I'd never heard.. Sure I'd heard empty meaningless I love you's.. But you addressed me as perfect.. I promised you then that I would never forget.. And here it is close to 6years later and I haven't.. I can't.. I met my perfection, there's nowhere to go from there but UP....