Wednesday, October 17, 2012

So 1st came love, then came marriage, then came INFERTILITY..!!

      Luckily, we realized through our loss that the nonchalant manor that we'd been taking wasn't going to cut it.. That fertility was much more complex than we'd originally thought.. We knew for sure that we wanted to be mommies now more than anything.. Seeing the BFP only to have it fade away is definitely one of the hardest things we've ever been through.. We made the decision to start getting more aggressive medically, that's where things get REAL.....

Below are some of my journal entries from around that times, these are published on one of the many sites that I frequent regarding fertility :

My TTC Journal

Keep a journal of your trying to conceive journey

10/25 - Another Wacky Cycle This Month
Posted Oct. 25, 2011 8:50pm - Public - 34 views - 0 comments - Edit - Remove
This has been yet another month which my cycle has been extremely wacky and unpredictable.. This after almost a whole year of 31day cycles on record.. Then last months cycle a mere 28days w/ ovulation recorded smack in the middle (cd15 w/ no 'O' pains and a short LH surge).. I'm thinking that the shorter cycle last month was due to the chemical pregnancy from August..

Now this month, I'd had little to no CM so close to actual 'O' time.. Had watery CM around CD14 which I thought would be the big 'O' day.. Temp dropped, darkish OPK line, even had 'O' pains on both sides (which I'd attributed to the Soy Iso taken for the 1st month), but oddly no 'O'.. I even had a progressively darker and darker OPK line leading up to cd14 then nothing after CD14, for 2 days.. All of a suddenly, BAM, on CD17 an undeniably +OPK.. Didn't think it could be since I'd figured I'd already gotten my + but because I was using the First Response OPK this month, that I'd just not interpreted the not SO dark darker line correctly (admitting to the possibility of user error)..

So here I am now sitting at CD18,  hoping that of the 2 insems 1 good swimmer survived the storm and found my egg(s).. I'm still not sure that today is my definite 'O', as I'm not quite sure of anything with my cycle now.. But here's to blind faith and wishful thinking.. We want this so bad that it's hard for me to even breathe anything else at this point.. Oh, and the constant 'Are you pregnant yet?' are really no help.. Please let this super rollercoaster cycle be our ticket to our dream..

11/11/11 - Luteal Phase Defect she says....
Posted Nov. 11, 2011 12:44pm - Public - 37 views - 0 comments - Edit - Remove
After telling my Dr. for a good 3months that I felt I had a short luteal phase AND experiencing the horrible and harsh reality of a Chemical Pregnancy, I'd called in to set up another appointment . On this call I had the nurse ask me a series of new questions which I'd never been asked.. I did the bloodwork and cultures of a preconception exam and passed with flying colors.. Or so they'd said.. Lol.. Here she is now asking me questions regarding lactation and specifically about the length of each cycle since my confirmed chemical..

*Just a side note * I really think I experienced another CP this past cycle as we saw another faint BFP at 10dpo which faded and 3days later I was greeted by dreaded AF.. * Back to my story*

She then starts to tell me a few things that I kind of already figured and she throws out the term Luteal Phase Defect.. She expresses to me that she thinks that it would be a good idea for me to have a monitored cycle in order to rule out any major fertility issues.. She did let me know that if I am as sure about my cycle and charting as I sound then she really thinks it is just a Luteal Phase issue and nothing related to the Follicular Phase of my cycles.. Which is a good good thing..

Now.. My Dr is a really awesome guy, but he ia also a really 'lets just see what happens' kind of Dr.. And we all know that with TTC'ing that is just not something you ever want to hear.. You just want your BFP like last month and thats that.. I'm going in on my cd10 in order to have a ultrasound to ensure my follicles and lining are looking good and on time.. I will be requesting that I be prescribed Progesterone suppositories as well, since I have a REALLY strong feeling that a lack of progesterone is whats keeping me from having my sticky baby..

I've been doing ALOT of researching since the nurse mentioned LPD to me.. I did really want to keep things as natural as they possibly can be considering I am a lesbian and using cryogenically frozen donor sperm.. Lol.. So I started supplementing with B6 daily and again using the Soy Iso cd's 2-6 this month.. The Soy Iso did cause me to ovulate 2 whole days earlier than usual last cycle, I unfortunately also had a shorter cycle, so it didn't lengthen my luteal phase that go around.. I know that it could be so crucial to me to make sure I 'O' no later than cd17 this month which would have me potentionally end up with a longer luteal phase..

Who would of thunk that TTC would be such a course in chemistry and statistics for me.. I feel like 'Hey, umm.. I don't think I signed up for this class'.. But I'm willing to stick it out and do what I gota to expand our family.. Now on to the Dr. appointment and what that may hold.. FMFX'd that the vitamins work all my funky issues, and that I will never have to see another BFP fade away..

May our Leo be in the stars this month.. Can't wait to meet you our little dream baby..

11/15/11 - The Night Before....
Posted Nov. 15, 2011 8:35pm - Public - 42 views - 0 comments - Edit - Remove
I'm excitedly nervous about my appointment tomorrow.. I can't shake the feeling of "This is it" that keeps coming over me.. I really don't feel I have ever wanted anything more in my life.. I'd say except my wife, but that seemed it was a different kind of want.. I'm ready to hit the showers, calm my nerves, and hop into bed.. I just want tomorrow to come and to get this appointment done and over with.. I want to know my next step.. I want to be PREGNANT and have a H&H9.. So this is it, and I'm ready to take it all on to get what I so desperately want..

11/16/11 - That Was Easy...
Posted Nov. 16, 2011 9:35pm - Public - 58 views - 1 comment - Edit - Remove
The Dr's appointment was nowhere near as painful as I'd thought it would be.. Turns out there are 15 follie's total growing.. 4 Left - 11 Right.. Lining is right in line for this time of my cycle.. Donor shipment is set up and ready to go for next week.. Now just hoping that the rest of this cycle can be as easy.. The Dr did mention the dreaded word I've been trying to avoid since I started this journey "CLOMID".. I know that I really have to do what is best for my body and what would help me get that sticky BFP NOW..!! The Dr says that because of the length of my LP that if come the end of this month I'm not PG that we may need to move on to a more medically assisted approach to things.. I do also have a bit more testing for this month.. I'll be testing @ 7dpo for my progesterone levels.. Which I'm very sure will be low since I've been tracking things so many months.. But now I'm feeling more like I'm so ready to do this, so bring it on..

12/23/2011 - Halfway Through My Fertility Cleanse
Posted Dec. 23, 2011 9:46pm - Public - 57 views - 0 comments - Edit - Remove
It's been a while since adding an entry to my journal and since then A LOTS happened.. I got my 7dpo progesterone results back.. They where merely 5.9.. Now according to my RE anything less than a 4 would be an annovulatory cycle, so a 5.9 means that I barely even ovulated.. Ideally he would like to see a 10 or higher.. I do attribute this partially to my Soy Iso being taken cd's 2-6 last month, my mistake.. But even still a level that low is just no good.. So my RE did prescribe both Clomid (probably will not be taking that, I'm still wanting to get and stay pregnant naturally) and Crinone Gel..

This month we've decided that we would take a break from the TTC thing.. Besides, I'd be ovulating in the next couple days say I had taken the SI's cd 3-7 and well, no bueno with the holidays upon us.. we also felt that both our minds and bodies needed a break and boost.. On to the part about the Fertility Cleanse..

This month I decided that I would do all I can to try and help relax, as well as boost my chances at a sticky BFP next month.. I'm now halfway through the cleanse and it really has made quite the difference with my hormones, and this has been seen in my temps.. They have been the most consistent they've been in many months.. I've also added acupuncture to my routine and can feel an over all difference.. I am still having this cycle monitored even though we're taking the month off, and my RE brought to my attention at my last ultrasound that my uterus and lining look "outstanding" (his word, not mine).. Lol.. So having a awesome response so far to all things natural.. Lets see how Phase 3 of this cleanse treats me..

  The entries stop in December because, well I was just really tired at that point.. It had only been 6months and so much was different.. We where different from when we'd started the journey..

   In the 8months that followed we tried "naturally" ATTC a few more cycles.. I say "naturally" because I was taking different vitamins, herbal teas, doing acupuncture, using OPK's, and tracking my BBT.. Though we I wasn't taking any intense western medicine fertility drugs, having to do all of the things I mentioned daily is far from the "I didn't even know when I ovulated, I just guessed, insemed and now I'm pregnant", that I'd heard about.. 

  I finally broke down and tried Clomid, over responded to it and experienced a mild case of OHSS.. On top of that in that same cycle the Clomid caused a cyst which went to just over half an inch.. When you're talking about a cyst the size of a pea hanging off of a organ the size of a grape, makes it quite a big deal.. Dealt with that for a couple months on both ends doing both acupuncture and meditation as well as working with my FACOG to help with the physical pain and depression I was then experiencing......

     In the midst of all of the TTC going on I had the bright idea of starting a TTC GLBT group.. Ultimately, I am now the only one from that group who is NOT pregnant.. I'm also the least contacted out of the group.. Guess there is no room for the infertile in a baby play group..

      Lastly, about 3cycles ago I went in for my overdue yearly womans exam w/ the same FACOG I'd been working with most of our entire TTC journey.. He then asked "Are you even still trying..??" when I answered "Yes..??", he mentioned "It seems you have unexplained infertility and it's time I refer you on to a RE for IVF consultation"... Again, devastated.. The infertility treatments with monitoring that my insurance wasn't covering for the last year+ had tapped us out financially.. Here we are now, confirmed infertile, baby-less, and broke.. I want to have the faith I had at the beginning of all of this, but this is much more trying than I thought was possible to handle for one couple.. I love my wife and though we are not sure if IVF will ever happen for us, at least we have each other.. We'll continue to live, that's all I'm ever able to say these days..

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