Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The night I pulled up to meet up with you for our 1st date, I never could have imagined that would have been my last 1st date.. But looking back, would never have wanted it any other way.. We didn't have this amazingly wonderful love story.. We had love, right out the gate.. A connection with each other which seemed other worldly to me then, and still does.. I tell her often she put the woman of my dreams to shame.. I really have always felt that I created her for me.. That my years of tears is what lead me to her..
Never had I thought it would be possible to be able to open up to someone whole heartedly, without fear.. To feel loyalty and all the other things I'd longed so hard for.. The hell I'd been through all felt worth it, if going through all of that blessed me with her..
I'm such a strong believer that there is broken road we travel to get to where we're meant to be.. I am thankful she texted me on the right night, Friday 04/28/2006.. I feel the stars alined that night so that we could enter each others worlds..
Then on 06/06/2006 laying underneath her, what did she say to me.. As I looked into her eyes and tell her for the first time "I love you".. She tells me "I love you too, you're so F*@king perfect"..
Words I'd never heard.. Sure I'd heard empty meaningless I love you's.. But you addressed me as perfect.. I promised you then that I would never forget.. And here it is close to 6years later and I haven't.. I can't.. I met my perfection, there's nowhere to go from there but UP....
Karma, I'm sorry..
To start off.. I'm getting what i deserve.. And i'm sorry for who i hurt in the process of me becoming this girl.. this woman.. that i am now.. so heartless and cold.. confused and alone.. Alright.. Lemi man up here.. i'ma break it down like this.. the way i was broken down..
love 1: you had me.. all of me, first.. before the world even had a chance to shine any light on my life.. you could have molded me into YOUR perfection.. but instead you chose to have me and her and them and him.. and i didnt let it show then but it hurt.. you killed me.. parts i'll never have back.. you took my innocense.. you know "it's hard to turn a bad girl good but once you turn a good girl bad she's gone forever" and i am....... let the song cry.....
love 2: I HATE YOU....!!!!! and all that you are and never will be.. you're the worst thing to ever come into anyone's life.. your mom is right you're a curse and i would feel terrible for concieving such a child as well.. i wish that on that night at HAMBURGER MARY'S i would have not been entransed by that smile, your swagger, that boyish charm (but i do thank you for rubbing a lil bit of that off on me).. J was right, i should have ran the other direction that night @ that ASU party.. there where so many other woman there but i was so captivated by you're weak ass game.. you fooled me.. i'll admit.. you had me for that year.. and i can honestly say that i never felt love the way you radiated it my way.. you gave that false sense of companionship, trust, family, LOYALTY.. ha.. but phony.. and it took me time but i saw thru you and your games.. when i see you i will walk the other way and i will never love the way i once could..
now bout those APOLOGIZES... to those girls that i did SO dirty just cause i had these issues of my own.. i put this on here so that you could see a lil of why i'm the shell that i am now.. there was one of you that tried hard and almost made her way into my hole of darkness but i ran and did you wrong... glad to see all is well with you.. you know who you are.. nothing really left to say but I"M SORRY to all that feel i've done wrong..
Now this wasnt really meant to be commented on this is just me tryng to let it be known why i am the way that i am.. So many women wana know where all of this derived from well they say you only get three greats and i dont wanna blow it since i've already had my two..
I wana be more then just a good g/f i wana be her PERFECTION.. and her mine.. i've had my dark and now i'm guna allow in the light... my sites ARE set high but thas only because i know that i'm ready now.. i know that she's out there..
(This was written 11/15/2005.. I didn't know then that I'd now be 6+yrs strong w/ the woman of my dreams)